Can a Guy Be Too Nice? Or Perhaps I Just Like Assholes

My roommate joked the other night that M has ruined me, and has made me think that I deserve to be dating an asshat. Or that chasing someone is normal. Or that douchebaggery is sexy… or something.

I went on three dates with an awesome guy with whom I have lots in common. We both run (granted, I would never be able to keep up with him), we have similar personalities, shared interests, oddly similar relationships with our parents, and the list goes on. From our first date, I didn’t feel that “spark” with him, the spark that I felt on my first date with M or New Guy, but, hey, fireworks aren’t everything. Besides, both M and New Guy ended up being assholes, so I gave it another go.

So for our second date, we went out to dinner. Good conversation, I learn a bit more about him, he asks me questions that say he’s really serious about commitment and not just playing games or dating a 23 year old for the sake of dating a 23 year old (he’s 34, by the way). I really like him at this point but still don’t feel chemistry.

At this point I should have ended it, and I feel badly that I waited until after our third date, but I wasn’t letting him go until I was sure! So, we met for lunch and then took a walk. During our walk, he asked if it would be okay to hold my hand (seriously, how NICE is that?). When I told him “yes,” and that he didn’t have to ask, he replied back that he didn’t want to startle me. The same thing happened as we were leaving and he asked if he could kiss me.

I thought that perhaps after our kiss the chemistry would kick in, but alas, it just didn’t. The whole way home I was berating myself for going because I felt I had led him on too much at this point already. I hate rejecting people because rejection just sucks, plain and simple. We’ve all been there.

So I called him Monday night to tell him I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry. The elusive “spark.” I was nervous, because it would inevitably be awkward, but texting him would have been cowardly and lame (New Guy, if you’re reading this, take a hint). His reaction made me like him even more. Ugh. But, you can’t fake chemistry. It’s something hard to define, but you certainly know if it’s there — or if it’s not.

So now I have questions for you people…

If you don’t feel chemistry on Date One (or Two), should you give it another chance?

Can a guy be too nice?

Do I have self-worth issues? Just kidding. Kind of.

This entry was posted in dating, nice guys, sexual chemistry. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Can a Guy Be Too Nice? Or Perhaps I Just Like Assholes

  1. Mom says:

    “There is a principle of dating that goes something like this: a woman develops attraction, romantic and sexual interest and love for a man not so much because of how he treats her but because of who he is. In other words, being too nice, too sweet, accommodating, kind and generous with a woman alone, without the other elements of being an attractive man, is not going to make her more attracted to a guy.

    On the other hand, when a man demonstrates qualities that make him come across as more masculine – confidence, sense of humor, charisma, being able to lead in typical every-day situations, physical and mental strength and sexual aggression at the right time and in the right place – those qualities will make a woman admire him as an individual more and as a result will make her more attracted to him.

    Moreover, being overly nice, accommodating and kind to a woman will actually lead to the opposite result – it will make a woman less attracted to a guy and even be bored with him. I believe that an analogy between sexual encounter and any other interaction between a man and a woman is very helpful to understanding why being too nice with women is a big dating mistake.” an excerpt from practicalhappiness.com

    • Interesting excerpt, Mom! I have to question the beginning where it says “…not so much because of how he treats her but because of who he is.” What if how he treats her is only a reflection of who he is (aka a nice, sweet, generous, and kind person)? And what if he’s also the other elements of what they define as an “attractive man,” but those elements don’t come out until the 3rd or 4th or even 5th date? Or, suppose he demonstrates what they define as “masculine” qualities in addition to being overly nice,accommodating, etc?

      • Mom says:

        You may have gotten those questions (all valid) answered had you dated him a few more times? Most research states that women don’t like guys who are “too nice” because women instinctually don’t trust that behavior. The idea that “bad boys” keep it “more real” is the attraction there.

  2. Angela @ Health's Angel says:

    I am the EXACT same way.
    To me, though, the guys who are often labeled “nice guys” are the ones who are insecure and kind of wimpy. They don’t have any confidence, so in turn they let females call all the shots. Traditionally, most women like the guy to take the lead especially in the beginning. I know I do.
    I always get involved with the “bad guys” and end up with my heart broken. Part of me thinks it’s a manifestation of my self esteem issues. I’m just used to guys that treat me like dirt. And when a guy is actually nice to me (and not in a self-serving way), I don’t even know how to handle it.
    And I ALWAYS consider chemistry. I’ve never had a guy “grow on me” over time before. The attraction is either there from the get-go or it’s not, period.

  3. When you meet the right guy, he can never be “too nice.” But if you don’t have that chemistry, then every super nice thing he does for you will drive you crazy (or at least that’s how it always was for me). My husband is one of the nicest guys I know (I guess I’m biased ;)), but his good manners didn’t bother me when we were started dating — we had that spark, and I still found him attractive. In high school, the nice guys would always hit on me and it would drive me crazy because I always wanted the “bad boys” to like me, but the reason it drove me crazy is because there was no attraction there. You’re smart not to force anything, and I’m glad that he understood!

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