BluePrint Cleanse: Day 1

So, Day 1 really wasn’t bad at all. Let’s recap.

7:00 am: I wake up. I’m pumped. Let’s get my juice on. Let’s do this.

8:00 am: Ok, it’s not here yet. It may not arrive until 11. I’m going to make a small cup of coffee. Not part of the cleanse, but I’m not striving for perfection here. Let’s be real, I binged on cake a few days ago. A cup of coffee is nothing. Just drink it.

9:30 am: I hear the FedEx guy. I look out my window and he’s carrying a blue box. It’s here!!!! I feel like a little kid on Christmas morning.

9:31 am: I take a sip of the first juice. This one is a green juice, made with kale, romaine, celery, parsley, cucumber, and lemon juice. Not bad. It tastes like a liquid salad, and I love salad. Okay. I can do this.

11:30 am: Time for juice numero dos. This is a sweeter one (ok, it’s really really sweet). PAM = Pineapple, Apple, Mint. Quite good. Actually, this would be good with a little rum. Mallory, you’re detoxing, get your mind out of the toxic, alcohol-flooded gutter.

1:30 pm: Juice 3. This is the same green juice I had at 9:30. Still pretty good.

3:30 pm: Juice 4. Spicy lemonade = lemonade spiked with some cayenne pepper. I like this one a lot. Except at this point I’m starting to feel slightly feverish, like I’m cold but actually sweating. I put on a sweatshirt at this point and then take it off five seconds later. I decided I need some air, so I take a little walk outside at this point. Still feeling pretty energized, and definitely not hungry.

5:30 pm: Time for the red juice. This is some sort of beet concoction, with apple, lemon, and some others I can’t quite remember. My roommate looks at me, disgusted. I triple dog dare him to do a shot of it. He politely declines. This was my least favorite, but I got it down.

7:30 pm: A friend;) comes over. This is where I kind of definitely cheated. The last drink of the day is supposed to be a thick cashew milk drink, and is apparently delicious. But I didn’t drink it. I did drink juice of a different variety, though… okay, confession time, I had a glass of wine. But it was red wine, so it’s okay. Honestly, 99% of the “toxins” which are flooding my body are comprised of cake, cookies, candy, and refined carbs. I don’t feel guilty about having the wine. It could have been much worse. It did go straight to my head though. Well, duh.

So now I have an extra cashew milk drink. I might drink that first thing this morning, after I finish my coffee. Oh yeah.. I decided to make coffee okay on this cleanse. Whatever.

Day 1 wasn’t bad at all. BUT, I have a feeling things are going to get much harder. I woke up this morning with a gnawing hunger in the pit of my stomach, the kind of hunger pang that travels up into your temples when it strikes (do any of you know what I’m talking about?). It was a bit disheartening to think of doing this for two more days. I entertained the thought of stopping, but the price tag and my pride are keeping me on track.

And when you think about it, hunger isn’t pain or suffering. It’s purely discomfort. A lot of things in life are uncomfortable. If we learn to sit with the discomfort, we realize it’s not as scary as we think it is. Just like learning to sit with other uncomfortable emotions: fear, disappointment, worry, sadness, anger. When we go to extreme measures to avoid feeling certain emotions is when we really screw ourselves. Not that we shouldn’t avoid feeling hungry, or that hunger is an emotion. But you know what I’m saying, right? I need a cracker.

Bring on Day 2…

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From Feasting to (Juice) Fasting

I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit to this, but I’m doing a juice cleanse. Yes, we live in a world where over 800 million people are undernourished, and where hunger is one of the biggest public health issues – yet, people will pay exorbitant amounts of money to spend three days subsisting on juice alone. Only in America. And now, I am one of those people. Did I mention I’m ashamed?

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I am also fairly certain there is no scientific evidence to back the claim there are health benefits to juicing. Clearing out toxins in the body? I’m pretty sure that’s what our liver is for. Hello. With that said, I want to do this because I think I will feel better afterwards. Not because of fewer “toxins” in my body, but because I’ve been eating like complete crap over the last few months. Lots of sweets, lots of wine, and lots of general not caring about what I’m eating. Which is fine. We all go through months of bad eating. So, I’m hoping that more than anything, this cleanse will help me “reset” mentally and change my mentality a bit.

I chose to do the BluePrint 3-day renovation cleanse, and they suggest you prep for it a few days beforehand by eating really clean — veggies, fruit, fish — you know. Well, considering I ate about 6 pieces of leftover birthday cake yesterday, that was kind of shot to hell. Oh and you’re not supposed to drink coffee on this cleanse. I’m not sure if I will abide by this rule yet.

I figure I can do anything for three days, right? Right?! Ok, good, I’m glad you agree with me.

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Living in the Now and Other Stupid Clichés

Okay, I will be the first to admit that I absolutely despise clichés.

“Everything happens for a reason!” Sorry, but I dare you to think of a good enough reason why I got dumped, fired, and in a car accident in the span of a week. (Those things didn’t actually happen to me, but if they did, I’d be hard pressed to rationalize those events by trying to find some bigger, more profound reason explaining why they occurred).

“It is what it is.” Um, what IS it exactly? And is that all the advice you’re giving me? Thanks for that deep, sympathetic response to my crisis with which you obviously neither empathize nor understand. Ugh.

You get the point, I hate them. Unfortunately, though, there are some clichés that hold truth, and “living in the moment” is one that I think resonates with (or SHOULD resonate with) a lot of quarter-lifers.

It’s easy to think of your twenties as one big “when I do _____, I will feel/do/achieve ____” When I finally save some money, I won’t be so stressed out. When I apply to graduate school, I’ll feel more confident about the direction of my life. Once my injury heals completely, I’ll be able to run more and feel better about myself.

That all may be true and dandy, but what about now? What can you do in this moment to feel good about yourself and your life? Sometimes I find myself wanting to fast forward a few years to when I know I’ll be in a more comfortable, stable, and “linear” place but — hello, why do I want to skip years of my youth?

So I will try to challenge myself and say: what is something small you can do today to feel fulfilled? Sometimes it’s just something simple like reading a book or writing a blog post or calling an old friend with whom I haven’t spoken in a while. Anything that gets me out of my routine (which usually includes either working, the gym, spending mindless hours staring at my computer screen, annoying my roommate) can help. Because let’s face it, constantly wishing away the present in exchange for the future is a pretty exhausting way to live.

Not to get all self-help-y on you today, but living in each moment is really important, especially for me now. I’m traveling back to CT this week for a job interview. I don’t know what will happen or where I will be in a month if I get it or if I don’t get it, for that matter.

Uncertainty is overwhelming. The unknown is scary. Mainly, because you can’t control it. So, work with what you can control: the present.

Do something that makes you happy today.

(And tell me what it is in the comments, because I’m nosy like that).

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Can a Guy Be Too Nice? Or Perhaps I Just Like Assholes

My roommate joked the other night that M has ruined me, and has made me think that I deserve to be dating an asshat. Or that chasing someone is normal. Or that douchebaggery is sexy… or something.

I went on three dates with an awesome guy with whom I have lots in common. We both run (granted, I would never be able to keep up with him), we have similar personalities, shared interests, oddly similar relationships with our parents, and the list goes on. From our first date, I didn’t feel that “spark” with him, the spark that I felt on my first date with M or New Guy, but, hey, fireworks aren’t everything. Besides, both M and New Guy ended up being assholes, so I gave it another go.

So for our second date, we went out to dinner. Good conversation, I learn a bit more about him, he asks me questions that say he’s really serious about commitment and not just playing games or dating a 23 year old for the sake of dating a 23 year old (he’s 34, by the way). I really like him at this point but still don’t feel chemistry.

At this point I should have ended it, and I feel badly that I waited until after our third date, but I wasn’t letting him go until I was sure! So, we met for lunch and then took a walk. During our walk, he asked if it would be okay to hold my hand (seriously, how NICE is that?). When I told him “yes,” and that he didn’t have to ask, he replied back that he didn’t want to startle me. The same thing happened as we were leaving and he asked if he could kiss me.

I thought that perhaps after our kiss the chemistry would kick in, but alas, it just didn’t. The whole way home I was berating myself for going because I felt I had led him on too much at this point already. I hate rejecting people because rejection just sucks, plain and simple. We’ve all been there.

So I called him Monday night to tell him I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry. The elusive “spark.” I was nervous, because it would inevitably be awkward, but texting him would have been cowardly and lame (New Guy, if you’re reading this, take a hint). His reaction made me like him even more. Ugh. But, you can’t fake chemistry. It’s something hard to define, but you certainly know if it’s there — or if it’s not.

So now I have questions for you people…

If you don’t feel chemistry on Date One (or Two), should you give it another chance?

Can a guy be too nice?

Do I have self-worth issues? Just kidding. Kind of.

Posted in dating, nice guys, sexual chemistry | 6 Comments

On Being Alone in Your Twenties

The other day I was talking to a girlfriend who is in a situation similar to the one I found myself in with M for a year. They haven’t established any kind of exclusivity, he hasn’t been treating her well, he does shady things like block her from his Facebook (yet he recently friended me on Facebook…), and the list goes on.

She texted me earlier today that it made her sad he treats her this way, but even more so that she allows him to do it. She wonders if, perhaps, she lets him continue to hurt her so that she wouldn’t feel so alone.

Of course, an outsider looking in on our conversation would have thought she has some kind of lingering self-esteem issues and was incredibly self-destructive. Why stay in something that you know is so toxic? That actually makes you feel crappy more often than it makes you feel good? Probably for one of the same reasons women often stay in abusive relationships they know they need to get out of: a fear of being alone again.

I truly believe being in your early to mid-twenties (my friend is 24) can be an inherently lonely time. There’s a lot of change and uncertainty, your friends are constantly moving and may not live nearby anymore, you no longer live on a campus filled with people to whom you naturally relate, and you’re in the process of figuring out your life.

Oh, and the 3 new engagement notifications on Facebook per day isn’t quite helping. (Seriously, why is everyone getting married?)

I think it’s natural to want to hold on to a relationship that you know isn’t right because then at least you have someone to share all of the confusion that comes with being in your twenties.

But the thing about bad relationships and loneliness is that being with the wrong person can actually make you feel more alone than being single. It’s hard to realize when you’re in it, but in hindsight it’s obvious. For me, being with M caused a vicious cycle of perpetual feelings of loneliness. I move to a new city in which I knew very few people –> I live alone for a year –> I start dating a guy I really like/am attracted to –> I realize he is emotionally unavailable and makes me feel lonely/empty    –> I crave his attention more to fill the emptiness he causes, yet is incapable of filling. A catch-22.

Of course, like any vicious cycle, it’s incredibly hard to get out of. If it were easy, we wouldn’t engage in such self-destructive behavior to begin with. To know what the right thing to do is and to actually do it are two different things. I’m hoping she will take action quicker than I did (and I hope it doesn’t take her discovering he actually has a girlfriend to cut him out for good).

What are your thoughts on your twenties and loneliness?

Posted in loneliness, relationships, toxic relationships, your twenties | 3 Comments

Why Your Quarter Life is Like Middle School All Over Again

The Developmental Characteristics of Middle School Students:

“Students in grades six through eight are changing physically, socially, emotionally, 
and intellectually. During this time, children are struggling to define themselves as individuals and in relation to others. They begin to question the role of adults in their lives, and their peers take on increasing importance. They face many unique challenges as they struggle to find themselves in this transition between childhood and adulthood.

Many of them find it difficult to cope with the many changes taking place in them and compare themselves unfavorably to their peers.”

(Source)

1. You don’t know anything about anything. The first time I had the lightbulb moment that told me my twenties are much like being in middle school again was at my first job post-college. I felt like it was the first day of school every single day for a good six months. Different teachers to try and impress, multiple classes, new information, and new students to try and befriend. My company was like a clique I so desperately wanted to be a part of, but the harder I tried, the less I succeeded. It seemed as though everything college had “prepared” me for had been for nothing – I didn’t know anything about the working world. About meetings. E-mails. Phone conferences. How to not screw up an excel spreadsheet. That crying in your morning meetings with your boss is generally frowned upon. I got home each night mentally and emotionally exhausted, much like middle school.

But I was learning a ton. And the accompanying growing pains (similar to those awkward years) were only short-term side effects. I’m not at that job anymore, but I learned more there in a year than I think I would have at any other job in three or four.

2. You have to make friends all over again. Unless you are lucky enough to be in the same city with your college or high school friends, being in your twenties means making friends all over again. I moved to a new city after I graduated and didn’t know anyone. Luckily, and often times unconventionally (hello, my roommate is a guy who I met on a dating site), I was able to form some amazing friendships in this strange city. But it was hard in the beginning and I definitely felt lonely at times.

3. You’re insecure.  In middle school, it was all about which Abercrombie and Fitch shirt to buy to appear “cool,” what table to sit at during lunch, and how to convince your mom to go bra shopping with you so you don’t completely embarrass yourself in the gym locker room. Now we are equally as insecure. We think about how much money our friends make, what they are doing with their lives, who they are getting married to, and how much more “on track” they seem to be. We compared ourselves to our friends then and we’re doing the same thing now.

4. You’re going through heartache. Remember how much it stung when what’s-his-face ditched you at the 8th grade dance to hook up with that other slore? Well chances are you have experienced some heartache in your twenties , and if you haven’t yet, you will. But this is a good thing, because you are learning about yourself and what you want in someone. Or at least that’s what I tell myself after a year of dating someone with a girlfriend. Kidding. Kind of.

5. You’re struggling to find your voice. In your awkward developmental years you are still discovering who you are. What am I good at? What clubs should I join? Do I really like tennis or am I just doing it because my best friend is doing it? Likewise, now, I am still finding my voice. Both in writing and in life. I’m learning what I am good at and what I need to work on. I’m developing new passions and re-discovering old ones. I’m slowly figuring out the qualities that I have inherited from my parents, and that I have the power to grow and relish in the good and re-shape the bad. I may have not found all of my voice yet, but each day I am less scared to show what I have discovered so far.

6. You want to be older. Of course when you are in middle school, you want to be in high school. You want more independence and you want to stay out past 10. You want to learn how to drive. Maybe I am speaking for myself here, but I often want to fast-forward the next five years. Or ten years. I know where I want to be and I’m slowly getting there, but that doesn’t mean the process of getting there isn’t unsettling. Everyone says your 30s are so much better than your 20s because everything is “figured out.” I’m trying to (ugh, I seriously hate cliches, so I apologize for this) “live in the moment” and appreciate where I am now and what I’ve accomplished. It takes effort, but I think it’s important to be a little kinder to yourself during this transitory time.

Can you think of any other middle school comparisons?

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When Men Bring out the Crazy in You

In my last post, I described my addiction to a guy who I dated for over a year, which was finally broken when I found out he had been in a relationship with another girl since before I even met him.

I didn’t describe how I found out or what unfolded afterwards.

I was with him just last week. We went to the gym together (Cassie, that detail is for you), and went back to his house to shower and “hang out.” Well, as we were lying in bed together, a girl’s name popped up on his phone in a text message. Big deal right? That’s what I originally thought. Guys text me. Girls text him. And we aren’t even an official couple, so what’s to even question?

I forgot about it for a few days. Two days later, I couldn’t get her name out of my head. What was it about her name? Why had I even remembered it? Had I seen it appear on his phone previously? And why did he block me from seeing all activity on his Facebook? Should I even care? We’re not even official!

So I typed her name into Facebook and I saw the pictures of them. Of their trip to Chicago (during which he texted me and told me he was visiting friends). Of flowers tagged as him with a one year anniversary caption. And then — her Facebook relationship status. In a relationship. Anniversary date: one year prior to the date of the tagged flowers. Great.

Naturally, my heart started racing, my mouth went dry, and my stomach turned to knots. I texted him, “Are you dating someone named ______?” He replied back: “Who told you that?” I replied, “Facebook.”

The next night I went out. Let’s just say alcohol and rage do not combine well. The floodgates of anger opened up and a sea of ferocious texts came pouring out from my phone to his. I told him I would contact her and tell her everything. That he should be scared. That he screwed up. That he IS screwed up. I think I may have called him a sociopath.

The next day I channeled my anger into pure productivity. I had made it my mission to get in touch with this girl. I literally couldn’t think straight until I contacted her.

No e-mail or phone number on her Facebook. No AIM screen name. I tried Facebook messaging her, but because we weren’t friends and had no mutual friends (I’d unfriended M before I had thought of this) it went to her “Other” messages folder which she’d likely never see. So I tried friending her on Facebook.

A few days had passed and she hadn’t accepted my request. I found her Twitter, but it appeared as though she didn’t use it much. Can you tell the crazy in me was starting to come out a little?

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Ok, maybe not Fatal Attraction crazy. But still.

So, my next option was to find her e-mail address. I knew she had just graduated from a certain school (it said so on her Facebook), so I found the generic template e-mail address for anyone attending the program, and plugged in her name. I wasn’t completely sure it was the right address, or if she even still used it, but figured it was still active since she’d just graduated.

I phrased everything as delicately as possible. I apologized for wasting her time if it reached her and she didn’t care, or if he had warned her about me and she already thought I was crazy. I also apologized if it reached her and she found herself shocked and upset. I ended the e-mail by giving her my number and letting her know she could call me if she wanted to talk or even meet in person.

The next day, I got a phone call. It was her.

During the thirteen minutes in which we spoke, she was in complete shock. She asked questions, and I answered them honestly. I told her that I was as surprised as she was (I was honestly more surprised he had the time to text me 24/7 and see me while maintaining another relationship — all in the same city, no less — than I was surprised he had the capacity to be such an asshole). She was nice, and extremely grateful. She even apologized to me for being mislead.

That night she e-mailed me and all it said was, “You are a wonderful human being. Thank you Thank you Thank you.”

I feel least sorry for me in the situation because I knew who I was dealing with the whole time. I feel more sorry for her, because she was truly cheated on and had her heart broken. But, I feel most sorry for him, because he must not have the ability to feel remorse or guilt or empathy. And that sucks, because he will always be the broken one in the end, whereas his victims will be okay.

It may have taken a year, but my detective skills paid off.

Now the question is: how many more girlfriends do you think he has?

Posted in angry, cheating, crazy, girl power, relationships | 8 Comments